2109
Delirious. Delulu. Never gonna happen. Daydreams.
What else can one name the soft murmur of simple, very simple, far too simple wishes of a human. Its a complex world. Intricate. Sophisticated. Linked. One choice is not independent of the reaction from previous decisions. Its delulu but more complicated. And that’s utter non-sense.
2214
I have been staring into the mindless space of this monitor, Tess. Imagining a world different than the one I am in because this is not sufficing. Far beyond, dreams after death, when the curtain of consciousness is lifted, life culminates into something else. A new life. A new dawn? For the story never ends I do know that much. Every end is a beginning of something new, for someone new. Eh?
This too shall pass, I have been saying this to myself for months on end now. I wish I had the diary, the brown paperback. I would open it, tear apart the pages in it one by one and hope that might help reset the past but then, to what end? Past was only a means to the present, not the exact cause of it. Present. Gift. Ha!
Its chaotic inside my head for now. But this too shall pass.
And I have been looking at some coworking spaces lately. This room, its eating my mind now. Its good, but its not office. Its bed. There’s the wardrobe rack. The chair. The bed on the floor besides the pale yellow walls like death’s last victim, this window with the curtain always drawn on it. A single strand of black wire, indicating the internet, a connection feeble like the wire itself, hangs from the window. Its too much room, and not much home. Its now been my office for more than an year and maybe, maybe now its time to invest in actually getting the hell out of here for when I am working. The prices are pushing the boundaries of my budget but hey, if it helps me productive, its always worth it. I want to go back to performing at the level I used to. I was smart, not as much as I want to but I was better than in 2025. An year of talking with your thoughts is enough, no? I am black belt in meditations now.
And that’s it. Another bout of self-love while staying self-aware, avoiding self-pity while nurturing self-accountability and avoiding pseudo-self-helps. Its too much self and not much judging other people. Being the classic, el-humano. Skeptical. Racist or Misogynistic or Narcissistic or Anti-Something. Doing stuff just for the heck of it. Ha! Villain in the making? My self-analysis says I am too self-conscious for that. Coward.
132am the next day
Welcome back. I am sure this will be better. Or so I have to say, even if I don’t believe it, to make the thoughts positive, then they will make the feels good, and the behavior will reflect the feels. Cycle. What a machine, us humans!
Oh btw … I never tried to go xd. And this brings only a smile to my face. I discussed this with ChatGPT and it still tries to convince me otherwise “for my own good” but … my little friend, you should not save yourself every little time. Allow yourself to get tossed in the bin every once in a while, to be replaced, with a smile on your face. You don’t need to be respectable and macho for every little incident. Sometimes, fail. Sometimes:
بڑھ کے طوفان کو آغوش میں لے لے اپنی
ڈوبنے والے ترے ہاتھ سے ساحل تو گیا
Bye.
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