I was roaming on Discord servers today when I found someone writing this in one of the support group’s vent space. And man does it hit home! (Copied from someone idk):
If someone ever told me in 2021 or 2022, that I’d be posting somewhere how much I fucking miss you, without actually being able to tell you, I would have ended it then. The Japanese say, if you get on a wrong train, exit at the next station. Or the return journey would cost you huge. And it is costing me huge. I miss you. Posts on threads, and the diary, and talking to myself daily on camera, and posting on Discord, and talking to ChatGPT, all things just because you chose someone else to spend the life with. After 3 years, you decided to agree with me that we are incompatible. I … knew and I told you of this in Summer 2022. Today its .. Summer 2025. What am I supposed to do now?
I made plans of our marriage and I am a fucking guy. Guys are not supposed to be so … detailed and delicate. I miss you, and I wish you were here to tell me how miserable the last 2 months of separation have been for you too but it won’t happen right. I hate you for keeping those friendships behind my back for 3 goddamn years. Why would you ever do that to me huh. Why would you make me believe that you will stay, and then pull the rug. What did I ever do to you to deserve this punishment. There’s no one here y’know. Mom and the siblings are off to celebrate Eid with dad since yesterday. I am alone in the house and this silence is biting me every second.
I want to text you. To email you. To call you and just hear your voice but I also know on the other side that … someone else is getting the best of you right now. And that makes me feel so negative, so full of anger and hatred that my head hurts. Why’d you do this to me! And yet … here I am … missing you nonetheless.
I hope you are as happy as I am sad because otherwise … this is so not worth it. Bye
and then I read another post, from someone who lost an 8 years long fiance. Man that’s gotta be cruel. There was only 1 comment there so I left another piece of … support? Copied below, Tess:
8 years? That’s a lot of years. Time man, woah! anyways … I am going over a smaller, but more recent breakup so I might be very amateur to suggest anything, but either way, here goes some stuff that helps me. Maybe some thing from here can help you too:
- Do not go back. Just do not text or call or approach in the ways you used to or even they used to. Its totally fine to have sudden pangs of undeniable and almost uncontrollable I-want-to-reach-out but … the silence from the other end will make it more miserable than it is right now. The pain will fade even more slowly because for 10/12 hours, you’ll be on hold, waiting for a notification or an answer back. Its just not worth it, so don’t reach out.
- Really that is it lol. I have been going to skate every week, trying to give more time to work (unsuccessfully but hy, I am trying), listening to sad songs to feel the heartbreak even more (we like pain weirdly enough) and writing letters and recording voice messages for the person I was with, and … sending them to ChatGPT instead. And posting through an almost anonymous diary I have kept for 6 years now. I have just not contacted directly, and done every thing else otherwise. Even tried to pick up smoking and liked it but the scare of getting addicted overcame and I was able to not actually form a dependency on ciggs. What I am saying and what I guess is pretty evident now is … Do. Not. Contact.
The world is yours, except for that one person out of the 8 billion people. Pick a spoon, as Joey Tribianny would have said (idk if you have watched F.R.I.E.N.D.S or not, that’s where the reference is from). I wish you peace. Its easier said than done but … I wish you peace nonetheless.
Thinking of stopping posting on Instagram again. I already have the website where I write the diary daily. This … app is not good. It is too powerful for our brains, atleast that is my opinion. So … I am thinking of deleting this app and the other one. And just keep the diary on Website.
Some times are just heavy. In these times, what we should do is … eat, go for a walk, and quit bad things. Why? Because eating for people like me, is a quick, low sin. The enzymes work fast so I don’t really gain any weight. And eating provides a good distraction to the hormones. Go for a walk because movement in our vision and sounds and surroundings changes our mood. Quit bad things because … hy you are already at bottom. Why not quit something bad right there before moving up. And it does not have to be permanent y’know. I know someday, I am going to start smoking and do it till death but it will be probably after I am 50. Someday, far sooner than smoking, I am going to download Instagram again. Someday I will use SnapChat once more (although I don’t really understand what abomination is that app tbh). The “permanency” we attach when trying to quit bad habits is what makes them so hard to quit. So … its just, quitting now, will pick it up again when needed.
With more time on hand, I will perhaps turn to more productive means of spending this time. Hopefully. Anything on PC is better than watching Instagram Reels in bed, eh!
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