Five good things I did today are:
1. Udjsuxskdkdifhekosidbsskjs
Today, I want to write openly so, if someone needs to stay away from negative writing, this is a disclaimer.
I spend too much time and energy and thoughts into “if” I should buy that roll or not? “If” I should buy that bottle of Pepsi or not? “If” I should have that thing or not. “If” I am rich enough to afford one thing or the other. You know what I’m even more tired of? The montonous answer ringing somewhere between my mind and my ears: “Don’t”.
I was having suicide thoughts in the morning again. While biking to work. This time, they are simple, with a very clear reason. A solution, suicide, clean and forever. I will ofcourse not do it. Or try as much as I could not to. Btw, Umang’s suicide hotline, the one registered numbered on Google, it doesn’t work. So just clearing, we live in a factory for rich people and their fellows in Pakistan. Be a graduate from NUST but here, the work market is saturated. Me Fiverr krlunga. Me crypto krlungi. Or me to g bahir chla jaunga. Ok, sure 😀
I’m fed up of hope because everytime it starts a chain of actions that drain my energy as I succumb into hopelessness. If writing negative was the cause of all my weakness and havenotism, I will stop. I did stop. Things remained same. I wore a mask of strength and I-can-do-it. But for how long should one pretend to be what one is not, and will not be? I’m sorry. I am so sorry.
I will not. Not buy stuff. Not afford stuff. Not win an argument. Not live with dignity. I will also not accept it as my fate written by some God, however. Gods are introduced as fair and this is definitely not fair.
And it’s the security that basic money provides. Having the security that I will eat even if I get sick, or my close ones will get treated if they get sick. Not luxury condos or farmhouses or golf courses or Islamabad club memberships. It’s the security which every poor person craves for. But … oh no, every poor is greedy and selfish and poor because of his ownself. Allah sb dega. Allah kb dega? Molvi sab khte hen mrne k bad hmen azab hoga, Srmayadar/Jageerdar ne is zindgi me b azab bhra he. Allah ko dhoondo! Bye
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