Hy Tess
Why are things the way they are? And why do I have to have the knowledge that in every generation, every kid who refused to grow up asked this same question. And why do I still have to be the way I am.
Maybe for some, this is good. This is perfect. I am at the end of the day, raising a family, albeit not my own but my own. They are my sisters and my mom and my dad and I am like, living with them, without dad now, for 2 years. Why? To make sure what dad valued so much for me, education, the sisters get equal chance of that as well. APSACS. That’s why we moved from the village to this central hub of all activity happening in Pakistan, atleast-over-the-table one.
But why do I have to be so confused all the time? Why do I have to be so lousy in decision making and YOU know what I am talking about. Oh its so embarrassing.
For the past 4 months, I have been noticing a change in the tone of management. Why did I not leave? Because I know this is the “dana khak me mil kr gul-o-gulzar hota he” time. I improved, though by just some fractions and that too most likely only in my pages, not in the pages of people I report to but I did improve. Became more focused. More fast. More resilient.
And its helping me move on as well. You know now I listen to all the sad songs I want and … it does not scare me that much. Yes, I still sometimes end up in the rut but it happens once or twice in the week now. And that will be over too, obviously. When you have to work and are being micromanaged, priorities shift, perspectives change and … I never thought there would be ANY good aspect of it but here we fucking are … its helping me move on. What else can I ask for Tess. What else!
Well, money, subtle impactful fame, more money ig … But hy, who doesn’t have dreams! Goals? Dreams. Don’t be scared of not achieving something, you are not God and that’s okay. I want to stop getting scared of being average, because that’s most likely what I am and will be. And I DO NOT mean it in a bad way Tess, no. I mean … yes I will get VERY happy, ecstatic, unexpectedly at something in the future. And Dad and mom will pass away too. I will fucking have to live with those incidents. And I will lose this job successfully (The company is earning good profit, minimal employees are putting in hard work (god I hate people who use “smart work hard analogy” just to get out of putting in the fucking time it takes)) or as a failure (Like…maybe this month or next month, where I don’t see this startup to the vision I had when joining it).
All of us have these incidents. All of us, every single human on Earth has a trough and a crest, more troughs, more crests, be it the bubble boy or the combined nervous system of Donald and Elon. We are all … average. We are all … just fine. We are all heroes at one time and villains at others.
I just wish, Tess, that … I don’t owe anyone anything when I die. That I never be unfair to someone or something. I am scared of being a negative impact on someone, or something. This job, Family, Love, or Money … (no money first, baqi sb bad men) … I must make sure I am giving back as much as I am getting, if not more. Better quality, more quantity … or else, I failed.
Oh that was long eh… Its 326am. Almost 3am thoughts!
I am thinking something these days Tess. Don’t want to write it to not jinx it but if I decide to do it, I will let you know. And its not suicide lol … that’s for a peaceful day. (I am kidding, joking, laughing about death, nothing serious). Bye.
Leave a Reply