127pm
So my psychiatrist told me to write “Self-Affirming” stuff. Stuff that will motivate me. Feel-good stuff about myself. Well, here goes:
I fuck in managing relationships with close people. Therefore, I will end up being alone. I will cry and sulk and frustrate and maybe do really stupid things too, to get human contact, when I can. And I don’t brush. That’s the bad stuff. That’s all.
But that’s it. I know this world is not fair and somehow, one way or the other through party fund and meetings, I am trying to correct it. I am fulfilling the responsibilities of my family by working 10-12 hours a day, including weekends. I still hate fancy clothes and posh restuarants to the point where I can’t enjoy any of these, if I have them. I will never get a car because then, one forgets how more than 50% of the populace lives in my country. I have got to keep a feel of them, to maintain a lifestyle similar to them, to stay in touch with the reality. The job will replace me the day they find someone better than me in a cheaper rate. I am not important and I am very aware of that. These are good things. I truly understand the importance of time-blocking daily and planning the next day prior to sleeping and making my bed in the morning (which I am not doing these days because I sleep on the floor. Doesn’t need making). I know I am a hard-worker, whether it be an escape mechanism or something I got from dad, doesn’t matter. And I realize and respect the hard work my parents had to do to grow me up, to go from a family living in a distant village of the most crowded province in a third world country to having one of them graduate from a good university and work where I work. I am proud of them. I hand out sorries like they are hot cakes, I am punctual and I am grateful for the money and the position I get/have. Yesterday, I worked from 10 am to 2am. Then I slept thinking hy, I am not going to start work the next day till 5 pm, that is my official work time. But here I am at 137pm writing this, after which I will start writing the blog for job. These are the good things. I am self-aware. And I don’t fear death and I believe I am on the right path, as far as the day of judgement is concerned. Its too hyped, just an opinion.
I will probably die of my own will someday. Not now, not this year. Maybe not for the next decade or so but when I feel my contributions to this world mattering less and less, it will be a bye.
Yes, you can hate me if you are close to me. But if we just met or we are just work buddies or in any other way, our relationship is only transactional, I am a good guy. That’s self-affirming I guess? Punctual. Self-aware, Humble, Grateful. Secular. Socialist. What else?
Now, let’s write the blog 😄⚒
0730pm
I haven’t left the chair since I wrote what I wrote above. Did blog a bit, then a coworker declared emergency so I had to do his work a bit, then another coworker asked to get on a call to do stuff with him so I did stuff with him. Then did the stuff i was supposed to do after blog which is not done yet either. The stuff i was supposed to do after blog is kinda done, I had to ask the client some details so an email was dispatched to him with the stuff on hold. Now I am hangry. hungry.
And … meanwhile, I also had a quick snappy fight with what is supposedly my ex for the last 2 months. She said I am dying. I said sure. You would think I am a monster but you would not if you heard me saying this 3 years, continually. If everytime I fight with someone and they need an Iron/Glucose Drip, it is not my fault. Leave. I am bad for your health. And leave she did but now she is back and last night she said “I want you to stay and feel all the pain you gave me … that’s what I want”. Dude … someone needs to teach her what a breakup is! And I have another coworker messaging.
957pm
I am in the McDonalds that is adjacent to my University. Well, while I was studying in the University, my classmate used to come here amongst all the other places that they used to go to and now I am able to go here. They are all in England, Greenland, Iceland or Newfoundland. Firstworldland basically. You would think I am ungrateful. You would think right. Sometimes I am grateful and sometimes I am ungrateful, if you have a problem with that … then you have a problem.
I guess this is called not being in a good mood, for no particular reason.
1046pm
I deleted this sentence because if I didn’t, it would have made me cringe.
Maybe the reason I like to work outside the comfort of my home (under direct sunlight in a rented 2nd floor room but there’s a revolving chair!) is because in library or in McDonalds etc. there’s more people. They are helping me without knowing me. I guess this is where the “intention” comes in in anything you do because even when they helping me, if its not intentional, they are not getting rewarded for it, by Allah. Right?
… well. What now at 1205am? I … I don’t know much about anything and yet you won’t believe I am 24, graduated, and apparently member of the male community traditionally thought of as strong. Lol 😟
Bye!
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