Well, I am officially, out of the Master NUST race.
When the result came in, I was in the first merit list. Good, right?
Tbhi se soch rha tha k somehow maybe, dad should tell me not to go. It was not going to be easy because my dad, Tess, is crazy for education. Muje prhaya, and got me graduated from NUST. First ever asshole from my family to go to a University. He also secretly sponsored/sponsors education of some immediate people I know and … how do I know? Only since I started earning! I got to know of some kid in my relatives who was missing out because academy ki fees ni he. Tried to help (selfishly, I am a greedy guy for 72hoors yknow) but learnt someone else, aka dad, has already paid the fees AND set it up for his whole course. To me ab kya krun? Job chordun?
Kher, so I wanted him to tell me to not do MS because its too expensive. (250K semester fees, 50K living fees and misc. charges not included). That was about 100K every month. I am earning above it. So I could have gone, at the expense of family budget getting stretched thin. I wanted to go, and I told him so too, but not at that time. I simply told him admission ho gya he. He said sure, jane ki tyari kro. That was 3 or 4 nights ago. I work nights so … din ka hisaab ni rehta. Zindgi rat ko hi chlti he.
Then I tried again. Went for a walk for him. Reminded him that there’s another kid in the house who he has got all excited for a private fucking MBBS. If we do it, it is going to be a fucking golden globe or w/e, the highest achievement of our family, as a unit. I know he used to pay shit load of money when I was enrolled in Garrison Kohat. That was a shitty good college, and the fees was amicably so. But he persisted, with the family, and now suddenly I had that community feeling all on me. Theek he, me MS ni krunga, let’s have the kiddo do MBBS.
On that walk, I convinced him to see the reality, and he told me to wait for an year. Brilliant. That’s all I wanted, for me to have the excuse that it was Dad who stopped me from doing MS. That’s what I wanted … so I won’t have to carry the blame, and still get to enjoy my hard earnt Quaid-e-Azam!
But no sir, not at all. Never. He came into my room today, like an hour ago, says I will manage the money, you take the cheque tomorrow and get the money you need from the Bank, and pay your admission fees and semester fees. I was busy, typing out a message to a coworker so, I told him to just sit down a second. Then … I talked him out of it again. But this time, he is not carrying the blame see. He tried to convince me twice to go. So … yeah. Seems like it is my decision. I am choosing to have the flexibility of having dough in my hand, than giving it away for two years straight to NUST, to give me a Masters degree.
Yar … there are two things I want to do right now. One, is to get the fuck out of this place called home (unfinished, no proper electric/water system etc.) or get married. MS was a way into the first thing, and would have been enough to postpone the second. But I realize as I write these lines, I realize both of them are distractions. I am running away from … myself. From getting bored. So let’s embrace another day, after 5X30 days, of getting bored. Sad songs and sleepless nights it is, Tess! Fucking hell, I should feel more bad about it. Idk why I am feeling like everything is fine, like it is happening as it should happen. I have this sense of calmness and rightfulness, of just … soft existence on me. I am used to being tense or sad or blaming or just an awful human being in general, all the time. This is new. I hate it. Bye.