108am
Helio!s
314pm
Aek uncle ko abhi rukhst kr k a rha hun.
Tess tell me one thing, why do peope, known as rishtedar, just consider it their duty to hurt you in any possible way they can? Seht theek ni he? They have got limericks. Finances theek ni he? They have got fzool suggestions (like bribes lelo and I am not kidding, this guy literally said this to me less than an hour ago). Job night shift he? Tumne try hi ni kia shi trha koi achi job lene ko!
Abe hutiye, tu roti kha or ghr se nikl, itna zheen he to kmaqlon se milne q ata he!? Ajeeb. I really fucking hate relatives tbh. Like … ao, betho, milo, or jao. Ye mshwre apni oladon k lye smbhl k rkho, jo tumhari shkl doosri dfa dekhna psnd ni krteen. Vde aaql te vekh lo!
And the funny thing is uncle g khud b koi landlord ni hen. I have got relatives who are really rich and either they don’t come to our house and if they do, all they say is we don’t know what you should do. Live your life, do what seems to be best for you, to you. Or aek aese middle class log hen, beta ap mass comm prhe ho, officers ko blackmail krne lg jao, pese ache ayenge. Thankyou uncle g, now I know how you live in Isloo all these years!
Kher, choro. Gotta work. Phir party ki meeting b he. Bye
604pm
Okay
Am I a failure? Like sure I feel it so much especially with all these people talking about it. This uncle, then my own dad, and my brain comparing me with the cousins and all. Am I a failure?
Moneywise I earn over 100,000RS every month since the last 8 months or so. This month I spent about 135K on house, and nothing special was bought. Bills and Groceries. Bebrkti? Maybe lol, if a muslim’s reading this. All of it was spent in sustaining the household, rent, bills, about 20K in McDonalds because ghr me grmi hoti he or muje long hours kam krna hota he.
Healthwise, I am a 5/10. Everything is fine but the teeth problem so yeah, and that’s something I ignore too. Ghr k kehne pr b ilaj ni shuru kia because it is going to cost 8 times of what I earn so I want to save that much first. And I don’t brush so yeah you can blame me for it. Lekin I have begin getting my hairs oiled regularly, cleaning nails more often, regularly shaving (ok that’s a lie) to y’know, be more fine. Its just that I don’t fucking care of my look. Darhi he? Kat do. Moonchen hen? Zyada lmbi ho gyi hen? Ura do. Bal grmi me tng krten hen? Shave kralo. The value of “me kesa lg rha hun” doesn’t really matter to me. And people have made it clear as well, my friends and other people have noted how I don’t take care of my presentation and the best I can do it .. idc. I should be clean and that’s where my “fashion” ends. So health is 5/10.
Job Security: Obviously its less than a government job but I could very well be earning 35K at this point too. Isn’t it better that I am earning 3 times that? I don’t know baba ko ye bat kb smjh ayegi. Kl ko ye job jati he to I could very well be a bykea guy or someone who drives a rickshaw. Bs? I mean, log hi thqeer krenge, to krlen. Halal he, ye b or vo b. And btw, ab tk jo behtr se behtreen hua he to is se age yhi trend b chl skta he. The job could lead to promotion to better money to buying a car and a house in Islamabad and yknow, a lifestyle to afford vacations as well. Like … why do we think so negative huh, especially when I m the asshole actually doing the fucking job, not the people talking about me. Who the hell are you to judge?
Mental health: 5/10. 5 less because when I am angry, I really loose my cool and don’t get to control it. 5 good because 1, I tried to get help for it. 2. Because I know it, and thus can frame my life around it. This is the reason I am convincing her to marry someone else. I am not interested in marriage because if I lived with someone in the same room for years, obviously I will burst out at them inevitably at some time and I am afraid of that happening. So … better alone than making someone’s life a hell. So yeh, 5/10.
Now yeah my cousins are very rich but they got a good start. These guys compare me with sons whose fathers are way richer than my dad, and my own dad judges me for not being as rich and financially secure as them. He says well you went to NUST. Well, I was on a scholarship right. And its a money-for-degree institution, it does not give government jobs. It gives a degree and I got that. ALL of the people from my class are now outside Pakistan because their fathers were rich, except like 3. Can you send me outside (I won’t go if you did but hy, you can’t in the first place!) I respect him honestly because the stuff he did, the way he still prioritizes our education (now my sister’s) over even his basic housing/food facilities. It sure as hell is commendable. He has done the struggle that can be matched with say, Muhammad SAW. I have never seen a dad do so much for his kids, with the sheer blind belief that they will be successful one day but now I understand his meaning of success is a government job where I can come to office when I want, do the work or not, still get paid same good old cash, get a government car, drive on government petrol, government hospital, government housing, government sponsored vacations and .. everyone wants it. All dads I guess would want comfort for their kids but he fails to understand the competition in this big city. I am trying my best. I am trying. But he keep suffocating me by making me realize how Mass Communication was a mistake and how I don’t care of applying to jobs with more security and … I am tired. Fuck it.
I am not a failure. I am a work in progress and I sure as hell am enjoying this journey and I will, one day, be super rich, or die trying. There’s no argument about it. BYE!
1025pm
Just came back from the Working Committe monthly meeting, of the same party that Uncle g said, faida ni he.
120am
Gotta publish this to make space for tomorrow! Bye.
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