Its 952pm. I just finished working. Its still pending, but those are lesser-deadline tasks. I still have to do them by EOD but yknow, those are not mails or data I need to provide on a running bases. Kinda like, Munshion vala kam khtm ho gya he, ab creative kam baqi he.
Anyways its a long time after I am writing on here again. Journaling daily, takes different forms. In the last month or two, I have been recording thoughts and diary on my phone, in the sound recorder. Before that I was posting in the diary on Insta. Before that, I guess, I was writing here. This is not a continuation again, I just wanted to write on the website once more so, here goes.
The sky is blue. The Earth is green. Subjectively both are grey but that does not matter if you look at the big picture right.
We have decided to raise a Lawyer in the family. That’ll be my little sister. Dad wanted her to do MBBS but, he understood that the finances can’t afford it.
I am 26 now. Even my boss thinks resisting marriage anymore is not good. Dad and mom are already towing the same line for an year now. I do want to as well, but it comes with a lot of liabilities I haven’t made my peace with. The only pro to a marriage is you get someone to witness your daily life. In a sea of 8 billion plus people, who thanks to some beer or loadshedding in the world will be 8billion and a few more by the time I close this post, marriage gives you 1 person to witness you. To notice you, your good and bad days, your miracles and mistakes, your response and reactions. That’s all that marriage gives you, honestly. And what it takes away?
Independence. I can go to the local pizzaria right now, get a medium or large one that I know I can’t eat tonight, sneak up to my floor, and eat the shit out of it and there’ll be no damned witness. Even no guilt, b/c I am earning and I am gonna use it wherever the fuck I want. Marriage brings a person who takes my half pizza. What the fuck kind of relationship is that, where you only “see” me, and take my half pizza too? Then small or medium does not remain a choice, I have to spend more money to have someone ruin my privacy?
Except in case of love, now lost, why would I want to commit myself to 50 years of this debauchry? I don’t want kids, at all. And I used to think maybe it’s just me being silly, who does not love kids eh! Then some relatives had kids. I visit them occasionally and my god it takes more energy to be nice to them, than it takes to meet and greet the relatives themselves. I am comfortable in my patch of low-maintaince lifestyle. With kids, it’s plain suicide. You have to share things THREE ways then. What the fuck?
It might have been possible to logically reason in favor of kids like a century ago when medicine was infant and diseases were rampant. Now, in a child friendly world, why would I want to bring another kid? What if I can’t support their dreams? What if I lose my job? As long as I am unmarried, its me who is suffering. I will go work in a call centre or worse comes to worst, as a Bykea rider or daily wage laborer, but only I am suffering. I am not tormenting someone else, let alone a kid, to suffer because of my limitations. I can’t fathom the helplessness my dad feels now that the wound of not-affording-MBBS for his girl is clear, evident and still new. Do I ever want to be in his place? No sire bob, not at all, never. Sorry.
And I am not hating kids obviously. I hate the world that this has become. Do you know the gold prices rose 30% in THIRTY MOTHERFUCKING DAYS? Yep … does that impact my decision? Well, rings are made of gold, no?
To some this may seem like an argument with no heads or tails whatsoever. I recognize that. But I am having to live, and choose, in this game with no heads or tails. And … to myself, I am sorry, but having someone to witness you or notice you is not worth all the extra headache/baggage.
And then again, its an Eastern Desi family. Even some relatives have now began saying it directly to my face, when are you getting married, why are you not getting married. Most of my agemates were married this year. Not that I know many to begin with lol, but amongst those who I know, only 1 remains unmarried and then there’s me. He unfortunately has a physical inconvenience due to which he can’t walk without a stick. I have asked that cousin to exercise so many times, both directly and passively, but … meer kya sada hen beemar hue jis k sabab, Usi attar k londe se dva krte hen!
Anyhow, that’s that. My dad and mom are also insisting that I do Masters. Time and time again they have brought up this issue. And I understand they are coming from a good place saying this but … would I be able to handle a job, on top of a Masters? I don’t know. Anyways the admissions are closed now so, no hurries on that front.
Bye.