Well, let’s say it out loud. Or in a screen staring back with the whiteness of the world I no longer think I can endure.
I have been having unintentional suicidal thoughts lately. Thoughts that are comforting, and so the brain, inadvertently, tends to think more and more about them, to escape reality. And I know that makes me a coward. I have been told that already so, shaming won’t help your case.
I tend to think what if I quit. Just, fuck it all and go see the next dimension, death. I have the money to buy a guns and means too. Opportunity? It won’t get any better than where I am and what my routine is now.
I won’t have to think about earning. I won’t have to regret doing Mass Communication and pretending it’s not that bad, that it atleast qualifies me to be a journalist and that there’s some sort of pride in that. Its all fake. Gimick. Delusion, hardened with intentional thoughts. I won’t have to think so much about what I have to do to support ma and pa in this very decade, 5 years left. How much more can I see dad doing a daily 60kms commute to earn less than that Ks of money and … pretend its fine. That it’s his job? I am adult. 26 and growing daily. And I still can’t afford a maid for mom, put doors and windows on the house, have dad retire or … take a weeklong vacation. And knowing the reason behind all this and still not being able to do anything about it because you can’t change the choices you make, its not easy to breath sometimes when I am thinking too much about these things. And my ownself.
I smoke. I lose connections. I forget things like 20secs after they happened. What good am I for?
And I am not all pessimist see, there’s a realist side to this. I still earn enough to be able to help a teeny tiny bit around. Loan some money because I can, Survive enough days and months to eventually play a part in getting the kids educated. To be honest, its the second goal that’s making me not to … do it. Dad did everything he could to have me educated. I am doing like 20% of what he did but I don’t want to quit on that 20% until my siblings are educated.
That’s it. Hope? What? We live in cycles. Nature has patterns. Even luck and suddeness of events can be predicted in a spreadsheet so … yeah, there’s nothing more to it. This is it. Bye Tess.