0811
I don’t want to go to school today. And it’s super-rare coz I’ve never had the urge to ‘bunk’ classes. There’s no obvious reason. I am just not feeling ready for 2 lectures and the general humdrum of School.
1825
Well I did go to the school. There were two classes and both were theoretical/hectic but I understood most of both the lectures. I’m not feeling fine. I prayed too. Right now I’m in bed, lights off, trying hard and trying consiously to not let my thoughts wander in the proximity of pain. Do you ever smile and feel satisfied when you see someone get hurt because of you? I think I’m making some smiles that way. Whatever …. atleast I’m making some smiles and not something harmful. I feel tired, mentally fucked up. I used to get psycatrist sessions but the last one I took was about 3 or 4 months ago. That didn’t help anymore when you have accepted your miseries. I know I need one, but I also know that’s not the solution, just a distraction.
I again feel like dying. You know, ending all this pain forever. I’ve had fever for the past few days and traveling with it. It’s the 5th month away from home. How does it feel to wake up in your own bed? To have mom and dad live with you, not taunt you and you can come school from home like a normal student? I used to love being alone. But now, it is hard.
Sometimes I write suicidal notes in Google Notes. And at more intense times, I record an audio or video and then save it in my private gallery. I think someday soon, I’ll wrap myself up, and bury me too in the same private gallery. Sorry if it seems like a fake attempt to grab attention or whatever that I’ve been accused of isse phle, go to hell. I’m trying to get myself straight and do not have even a minute amount of time for your bullshit, if you have any. So let’s keep our ‘safe’ guesses, aspirations and assumptions in our heads, thankyou 🙂
Bbye.
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