10:32am
I am in the central library. In total in Nust, we have like >10 libraries and this one, the Central library, is the biggest of them all. It’s huge. So many books and so many wonderful stories and lessons in each book. It’s a shame then how we still choose to learn lessons the hard way! We always choose to believe that our choices will actually change what the old, dusty books said. We spend time and energy doing what someone else has already done. And (s)he fucking wrote a book too to tell you how it’s gonna end but we humans genetically never believe our ancestors. We never believe the generation before us. Every new generation coming out of their mom’s vagina is like ‘Here I have this new handbook, and this is how we all gonna live. These older fucking foolish baboons … they don’t “understand” us’🤦♂️😄 … I don’t know why we haven’t evolved yet to know that 2 and 2 is a fucking four, equally for Firaoon from 277377337BC or Faheem next door. Believe your ancestors!
Whatever. I am included in this generation too, learning the hard way, so I should probably not criticise our ownself … (Sigh) … How are you? How’s life treating you?
02:21 pm
I wanna talk about hard times. Like this right here I’m going through a rough patch, it’s okay to spend reckless days and thought-filled painful nights in these times. It’s ok to feel pain and uselessness sometimes. I mean for myself, I have not experienced this level of disinterest in every single thing I try to do, for more than a year. I was happy for the past while year Autumn 2020 to Autumn 2021. Now that I am stuck, it’s gonna take some time to go away. And I should understand it. It’s okay to feel pain. It’s okay to feel disconnection with the whole world outside of my room. It’s alright to make a heap of yourself in bed at 2 in the noon on a fucking Saturday, and think where the fuck did I go wrong. Its. All. Right.
In fact I think it’s awesome. Because you see the natural human reaction to getting hurt from somewhere you didn’t expect to get hurt from is a feeling of distrust and disinterest in everything. I am feeling like I lost. A war which I didn’t even know I was going to be in. I mean yeah, in a general relationship of two people, their personalities and likes and dislikes, their past and how it has shaped them to be what they are right now, all of it is a continual struggle. A stress. A war. I forgot it was. It’s told to me that I went like “Well, yeah…looks like I got myself a piece of cake here (nervous laughter)”. But that that war of compromises, adjustments and so-called solutions kept baking and baking inside the cake until one day .. the cake exploded revealing nothing but the war underneath. Well, to be honest, the cake was mutually thrown out but still … the point is … I ate the cake, while there was a war under that cake, and one day .. we threw the cake out and we were left with not what I expected: that dry bready part underneath with no cream on top, but the war and it’s machines … FUCK IT. I GOT TOO LOST IN THIS WAR AND CAKE ANALOGY so I’m gonna leave this just here: Don’t take things for granted. If you did, and now you are suffering, let yourself feel the pain with full intensity. Because this is natural order of things. You do bad, you get hurt. Feel the hurt as much as possible so it goes away quickly. No cake for wrong people.
09:21 pm
Do you know Allah hasn’t written that we would live this many number of months or days or seconds on Earth. I have heard often k “Din (days) to Allah ne phle se hi gin rkhe he na”…no it’s bullshit. Allah has written the number of breaths any person will take on Earth. Time is a human creation. And in Pakistani prisons, old prisoners often advice to the new inmates to “breath quickly” because, “Jail ki ‘sansen’ hi to Allah ne likhi hen .. jldi sans lo ge to jldi jail ki sansen khtm hongi or bahr ayoge”
Very roughly but similarly, hurt or pain is also not marked by time, but by intensity. If you are feeling pain or guiltyness or any other uncomfortable feeling, you must have earned it through karma. The best thing to do now is just shhhh and breath it in. Feel it fully. Let it fill your body and fill you with shrieks. That way, you’ll feel more in less time. It’ll end sooner than if you start resisting the pain and make excuses and blames. Just breath in the pain and soon there’ll be no left to breath anymore.
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