852pm
Well, hy!
I am back lol. Hardly away, a day skipped? Idk, and it does not really matter, does it? Time, slow, day by day, minute by minute, we barely notice it. Even an year goes by without much notice but 3-5 years is when it starts making a distinct different. Atleast for me, Tess.
I just taught me little kid what are “sets” in maths and what is a “cell” in science. I learnt that for kids, you have to help them understand basic concepts like “Read the question first, before attempting to “guess” the answers”. Yes, the fact that we adults also most often just guess our ways through life is true, but atleast read the question you are guessing answers for. And you have to let them ask questions unrelated to the topic because you know more materials and concepts than them, to make better analogies than them. Understanding it, and letting them ask questions and make analogies that are very stupid to a grown human, but very interesting and actual questions at their age, that’s mature. That’s the right thing to do, don’t expect any reward for it. Meanwhile what I used to be 4/5 years ago, getting annoyed when I see something illogical happening, “why the fuck would this is anything like your friend back home” or “why are you bringing that topic up when we are studying this one”, is stupid. Don’t be me. Or be the me from today, slightly better, huge room for improvement, but understands when to shut up when dealing with kids. They are children, let them be.
And Tess, I have a problem. I have been thinking to not marry seriously now. I mean, now Mom is insistent on me getting married and Dad also understands why it should be done now, while listing reasons not to as well (I don’t have a government job + little kiddo’s university admission first). I have yearned for a companion and I still do, honest to God. But when I see how I live, and the past that I know unfortunately have, it scares me of getting into a new relationship. What if this, what if that. I am 100% not bringing another kid to this world, but now I am considering if I should just stay alone. Its not easy, honestly, but its the bestestest way for me to not hurt anyone else, all the while having a bit more freedom as well.
For example, I am using the free time now to teach the kiddo as I just did. To go to cafe daily, for an outside walk. 3 books in first 3 months of 2025. Learning the new skill. All this happened because I had time, because I did not have a person to distract me, but also because I was forced to be more in the present. Past is painful, Future is scary. So I lived more in the present moment and did stuff. What if 5 years down the line, I want to relocate to a suburb near Ocean. Is it going to be more easy or even at all doable, if I am alone or if I have a wife to take care of? This is of-course just one example. I get scared of the thought of having to say No to someone’s wants that I am 100% morally and 80/90% society-wise forced to fulfill. What if she wants a dress I can’t afford (and I see posts in r/Pakistan and r/Pak where the husband wants to get his wife a gift, just not expensive). We live in a capitalist society. Money is God, with no exaggeration added to that statement.
But, what if she is okay with the kind of gifts I can afford? What if the desire to see a man, me, complete, overpowers the yearning to live life near an Ocean? What if I am destined to raise a kid who leads, or is a part of a revolution for a good cause? (This is obviously not happening, I am just writing this to counterweigh the Money is God statement). I am scared. I am just confused and desperate lol. I am … just another Joe.
That was long, Tess!
Ok. Bye.
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