Hy Tess,
Last two days I guess I did not write the diary but both of these day, I thought about it. In bed, just as I was about to fall asleep, this missed habit popped up but I ignored it as usual, like I have ignored so many good things in life, hush, sleep.
I am reading Labaik, its about to be over, 2/3 chapters left I guess. Mufti has a weird take on Allah. He gives Allah a body. A cry for help, imagine, Allah, asking for help from us. From humans, to take him home, to take him in our lives, to adopt him, but to do that Mufti says, we’ll have to abandon “me, my and I”. There’s not “me” when there’s Allah. Allah. Dua. Kaala Kotha. That’s the book lol. He described his days when religion was just a feeble attempt of humanity to explain what science could not and when he took pleasure in critisicing religion and being skeptical of the whole damn institution. And I relate. I feel like that’s me, I guess I am able to read this book about Allah, about religion, about Prophet because of its unorthodox, unconventional take on the Almighty. It preaches, indirectly all the time, to not care about Allah that much, but to look inside. What am I doing? Is that impacting me in negative way? Is that impacting my parents or my siblings or my friends or the society I am a part of badly? If yes, Allah’s gone from me. Ofcourse he is, he is positive, majestic, atleast that is what we are taught but what if he is not. Here’s my extension to all that Mufti said, and people in 1968 beared: Allah loved Muhammad PBUH. I don’t understand it. How can I love … my creation? Sure I like a painting I made or a jigsaw I solved but … not to make it the center of my attention. Yes Ikea works the same way, they let you build the thing you would use so you love it but … the sofapiece is not a center of my life. Why is it that the relationship between Allah and his beloved so special that the Moon was cut in half, the time was stopped in Mirage, the poisons lost their value and Pakistan was protected by his messanger (the book has the references).
Idk man. I am just a guy sitting in a chair under fluorocent lights with nothing left on my right and nothing right on my left, typing out senseless sentences. I want to learn but … I also don’t want to because I am scared. Once you learn how to do ABC, people expect you to be able to write your name. Once Allah gives me the knowledge to be present, state, there, mojood, khushoo in Namaz, he’ll expect me to pray with that same concentration. I am scared of raising his expectations. Door se hi slam dua behtr.
And I skated today. And I fell. Twice. Lol. And I learnt the lesson that never skate fast around kids because they are fooking unpredictable in the sense of direction. I fell once, and was alone, like, there was no one there to collide in so it was fine. It took me 10secs to recover, clean my PJs and be back on track. The 2nd time though I ran into this little kid, and at the last moment instinct kicked in, I took him on the chest, rotating as I was falling so he landed on me instead of the ground and thank god the Parents were cool about it or else, it would have been a disaster. You know how coward I am 🙂
And that’s that. Went to cafe, they fucking wasted my order thinking I am gone when I was just outside attending a call but thankfully, they agreed to bring it over again free of charge. I could not finish it though.
I am spoilt honestly. I have too much luck (not to say that that’s bad alhamdulillah, I am grateful) but what if I had nothing. Tess, another thing Mufti said in the book was that just like you can’t ever reach the “top” because there’s no top, there’s no end to “bottom” too. The limits are human imaginations. We decided on hey, 1 is the best. Nope, ask any accountant, 0 is the best. Ask any chemist of a particular element in the periodic table and -1 would be the best for his passion. Limits are man-made, set to give us a sense of direction, and accomplishment/achievement. They are fake.
Just like …
Bye.
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