Well, went to the psych today Tess.
She said apko self-love practice krna chaye. I said ok. She said what do you do to practice self-love, and I replied that I have started smoking as a coping mechanism. This is a bad habit, but I’m doing it to show flexibility towards myself in this trying time when I’m scared of the uncertain future. She said that’s self-harm. People like to drink tea when they practice self-love, or they like to take hot showers or they like shopping. She said smoking is self-harm, it’s not self-love. I could not answer, obviously. I tried to remember things that I do to ground myself, but there’s literally none. It used to be reading, but since I started working on a screen, I’ve lost that habit as well. I used to meditate but since 3/4 months I have not been able to sit quietly with my thoughts because they are too painful to let in. I put in songs or start thinking of other stuff immediately, intentionally.
Other than that, I went to a cafe and met a co-worker and we had dinner, and then I drove back. Then I decided to go to a co-working space. It’s not decided yet, but I think I’ll use it. I’ll start working in the co-working space. At least there’ll be other people there. Even if I don’t talk, I’ll be amongst them, so there’ll be a background noise of actual people and not this cursed fan above my head just spinning and spinning and spinning all the way, making the room even more hot with its blistering noise than it sends the cool air down.
I told the psych that this is my only session. I feel like we human do bad to ourselves in an attempt to gain some inch of control over our life. I smoke, because I can choose not to and choose to as well. It gives me the illusive, faint sense of control. I told the psychic this is my last session because I have control over this decision and just to feel the power of exercising control, when real socialization is not available to a man, he in this moment decided to exercise it over something that could otherwise have been beneficial! Its like someone asks you if you want them to grab you a cup of coffee too, and you say No instinctively before realizing he was literally going to do you a favor.
She asked me if I have any hope for the future. That “ab kya kroge”.
I said Idk, I literally have 0 self-awareness when it comes to the day after tomorrow. I can’t promise you if I even will be able to avoid hooting myself if bad comes to worse. I know that I am unpredictable, weak, coward and I can’t sit straight. I know that I also am hard with myself, I rate being fair to my job, to my family, then to relatives and then to the world over anything else, that I indulge in smoking and other harmful activities as temporary reliefs which I will quit (god I am scared of that picture of soot-filled lungs) the day I see hope in the future. I told her I am sure of today, and tomorrow. Today, I came to you. I am trying. With my body, my mind, money, and any other sources of strength you can count, I am trying today. And I know I will try again tomorrow too. Sunday. After that, don’t ask me ab kya kroge. I don’t know. Anything predicted will be incomplete, and could be an outright opposite of what I end up doing. Sorry!
And someone commented on my last day’s post. Weird lol! I hope no one finds this diary in my lifetime. After that, I hope someone reads you, gets heed, a lesson learnt from you and … that’s fair and final. Words on a screen written by a distant human don’t, and shouldn’t, mean anything more.
Bye.
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