127am
arz kya he!
pagl se hue jata ho faraz, us se mile kya?
itni si khushi se koi mr b nahi jata!
209pm
Just got to the Nust University Library to begin my day of work. I still kept thinking last night and over to today if I m a failure. I have been binge-watching Prison Break Season 4 and 5 this weekend. Even though I deleted youtube from phone (it doesn’t let you delete it, you have to connect with computer and delete these in-built apps in a special fashion), I have been using Youtube off of chrome. I stopped buying Youtube premium this month but still, I’ve been using it on chrome with ads. Visual entertainment is one hard thing to get over huh.
121am the next day
I feel like crying and that makes me feel weak and that makes me cry even more lol. I want to just die. Get rid of this pressure. Deadlines. Work. Responsibilies. People. Self-accountability. I am done with it. I am fucking tired.
Just sent this to my boss after he inquired why am I feeling down:
money. I got like 153K from you and 32K from the university security fees that came bck this month. And out of this 185K, all I was able to save was like 15K, and obviously we are still left 4 days into September yet. Yesterday I actually sat down and went through my budget list and most of it is either going to Cafes (because too hot to work in my room), or mom’s meds. Like its so so difficult for me to accept that I used 150K and you know did not buy anything significant. It was just bills and groceries. and you must not (I forbid you if I can please) act on this. Marketing dept needs money more than ever nd they’ll yet need more in the upcoming days.
dad. I just wish I can yknow go somewhere and live alone and work. My family is too “limiting”, and all they need is money. My dad is pushing so so hard for me to apply for government jobs or a UN job or go outside of PK etc. We had a call yesterday and I actually was crying after that, silently, so he won’t know. He thinks its my mistake I did mass comm and did not become a doctor and so, its just what I deserve lol. This heat and upon that, his talk, it just makes me feel like someday I am going to pick up my stuff, rent a room somewhere else and just work. But I can’t do that because why punish mom and the kiddos for his mistakes when he’s not even here.
Yeah that’s it. Especially the 2nd one. I am kind of trying to be okay with point 1 b/c after yesterday’s budget session which i did with myself, its like sure. I started getting mom meds. I am coming to terms with spending this much. But the 2nd one really bugs me. I am doing all the work here and still he thinks I am doing a mistake by sticking with this job and not spending time looking for another one. He thinks i am wasting my time, nd is pretty open to say it on my face every chance in the name of “I want your better future”. sorry for the rant!
Boss said this is the same situation with his dad. So yeah, no chance of change. Bye.
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