Some things to avoid

(This was originally penned in 2021)

There will always be a demand for stuff that works because it’s just nice to know. But what doesn’t work, won’t it be nicer to hear that for a sec? To know what not to do? Here are the top 10 things in life which you should start trying to avoid as much as possible. This is what I learnt in my 21 years of age, plagued with a rat race for fame, money, good scores, building, and whatnot. Don’t do this stuff neither at home nor outside and keep it away from your own reach. Blessings! 

• Overthinking: This is something I struggled a lot with. I am not here to prove to you how it is wrong to overthink anything, you already know it. There is enough statistical and factual information out there proving how overthinking can ruin your life. So if you overthink, here are some things which will help you overcome overthinking: 

1. Being more active and mindful 
2. Setting small goals and setting daily ‘accomplishment’ systems. 
3. Planning tomorrow today, to be in the know of what my tomorrow will look like, instead of speculating over it. I personally use Todoist for planning stuff.

Realise that when small negative thoughts are left untreated in an over-thinker’s mind, they become strong threats over time. Setting small goals will help you fight bad thoughts with a sense of accomplishment (which you’ll achieve by having completed the small goals). You’ll begin to focus more on small, doable tasks at hand.

• Staying unhygienic and being okay with it: This is a common occurrence in university dorm rooms and college cubicles. Even in classrooms, people are okay with leaving their leftovers or/and wrappers ‘to be picked by the janitor’. These people usually have a messed up table and bed in their homes too and the last time they made their own bed is usually ages ago. I know so much because I used to be like this. The janitor from our hostel would be like “Man! I cleaned this a week ago!!! What the hell you can possibly do here, in seven days, to make it this dirty!!!!!! And I tell you, it indeed was a fucking mess. Then one day not very far away, I cleaned my room. I washed the whole of it with detergent and gave the heaped up laundry to the cleaner. This actually left me with just a tracksuit to wear, and a clean bedsheet mom had given me to replace the dirty one. I had never bothered to change it before.

Once you have cleaned your room with an intent of ‘staying clean’, it would be super easy to do so. Staying dirty inhibits your ability to recognise and appreciate the natural beauty around you. In the above story, the next day when I got up, for the first time I saw the Sun’s rays falling on my room’s floor spectacularly. I was stunned when I realised that this used to happen daily and I just never noticed it. 

So make your room/apartment/home clean at your earliest. Staying clean would be easy. Staying clean then would make you feel relaxed and light, ready and fresh for every day’s incoming tasks and small goals. Stay clean so much that anything outside its usual place, when not in use, should seem like a visual nuisance. I wish you the best of luck for this task.

• Avoiding Therapy: Before we go on, if you need a free therapist/psychiatrist in Pakistan, search for Umang Pakistan or Taskeen or Meeting Matters (onsite) on the internet. Their contact details, timings and quality of services are written online. 

Why do people avoid therapy? Some think it’s useless. Others think it is good but it can’t help with their particular nature of problems. For-example, I used to think that It won’t help me to avoid procrastination. Or when I was at my lowest in life, I thought that because I have no hope/desires to live, psychiatrist is of no value to me. Both of the times, thankfully, I was proved wrong. 

Someone near you, or unfortunately even you might be going through hard times in your life. Get in contact with a psychiatrist, no matter how slight your problem is. It does not make you classified as ‘mad’. I have had two years of continuous therapy now. Every Thursday, I talk to my psych and ask her questions. These questions are confusions which I encounter the whole week. From what you (can) know about me from this website, or in real life, do you perceive me as a mad person? Talk to a psychiatrist atleast once, even if you aren’t sure you need one.

• Seeking validation: Upon my first visit to the psychiatrist, this was what I was diagnosed with. Before going to her, I actually never thought that this is wrong. After all, how can expecting compliments be wrong? And after a year of work, failures and getting up once and twice and a million times more, if I can do it, you can do it too. I learnt self-love and the rule that no matter what happens in your life, you’ve got to give love to yourself first and think about giving love to anybody else later. This is called unconditional self-love and if you don’t do it, it’s time you start. All around us, especially with social media, people post just about everything they do. Stories on Facebook and Instagram and Snapchat are thought of as a medium to ‘stay connected’ and ‘letting the world know what we are upto’. These are unplanned moments. Real life colours being kicked away by readily available filters and posting at the precise timings for maximum reach, all these little mechanisms of social media are now treated as a new normal. It is scary, atleast to myself. No one realises how in this way, reality is being purged to create perfectionism in seconds (which is in itself an impossibility) into reality. And so casually. Oh it’s just an Instagram story! No, it’s a trap. If you are with some friends and just posted it online, me being an introvert but secretly wishing I was there, may get triggered by that picture. I may drown in self-cursive thoughts. And don’t pity me for being an introvert because believe me, you also have stories to envy xd. We are in the same “comparison” boat as far as social media is concerned. Have you realised how common depression and mental health is now, especially among teens? It’s because of a lack of self-love. We seek validation from outside. Twitter and Facebook and Instagram and Reddit and Pinterest and what not, all of these have created deep trouble for a guy/gal whose mind is yet to mature. And no it is not a human-created trap, or atleast that’s what I believe. Theory of technological determinism states that future routes of society are determined by inventions of the present times. The Internet was invented. Facebook was made. Global village came and the village blew up. Generation gap was made. Anyways, I’ll wander off again if I go on to explain Generation Gap now. I’ll try to keep this in mind and make a video on Generation Gap by July 2022. So anyways, we tend to notice things like the time and the settings and the objects and people in those social media stories. We then unconsciously get impacted. Imagine millions of these stories on tens of platforms … and now, you can stop imagining. It’s all realistic and happening around us. I used to see a story anywhere and be like“Man! these guys are having a great time”.  And that was one more step down towards “God my life sucks”. 

We seek validation from people. The very concept of Alpha and Sigma males, stronger women and IDC-attitude, it all stems from our innate wish to seek validation and attention. The above mentioned people, all of them think that if they don’t give a fuck about anything at all, onlookers will give a fuck about their attitude and admire them. In the real world outside the plagued brains, people don’t give a fuck. And if you tell this to any person belonging to one or more of the groups given above, inside them, they’ll actually feel hurt. On the face of it however, they’ll be like ‘Oh yeah, IDC, I am a sigma!’. Every one of us seeks validation. It’s natural. Why deny it?

So what to do about it. Well, first of all, break the chain from wherever you get impacted the most. This is the first step of a process called healing. The chains can be your online presence platforms or your parties with the bois. Stay alone. Learn to stay alone. You’ll hate yourself once you see how you can’t stay alone and maintain your happiness at the same time, initially. You’ll realise how necessary ‘others’ were in ‘your’ life. You’ll slowly turn into your worst nightmare, maybe unclean or rude or Idk what other side-effects this may bring. But once you embark on this journey of self-discovery and self-learning, you’ll rise above you, of yesterday. That is the point where you don’t crave validation. You won’t get pangs to see how many likes you got on your posts. You’ll be comfortable to speak when you want, think what you want, and stay silent and passive and bored as long as you want. With all the energy being saved now (once you are healing), then you’ll be doing things with such speeds that you would be fascinated. 

Of-course this route involves a lot of crying and pain. But this is the route chosen by those who stay alone and stay happy, not because they don’t care. But because they know what happens when you care (Depression, Anxiety, Mental Health Deterioration) and they fought their way (by crying and overcoming pangs and cravings when they were healing) to make their attitude more realist. To convert an impossible into a possible is simply not an easy task. Seeking validation from people, and getting it, is easy, and is also considered a ‘new normal’. You know deep inside that being so dependent on a rectangular stupid device is not normal. Eliminating the desire to get validated in real sense, to not crave unnecessary affection  is a herculean task. I am not a pro at this. I am however inching towards it. So can you!

Please note that it doesn’t mean you have to completely cut yourself out from people. No. I joined a skating club and a tour group administration after starting this journey of self-love. People and their admiration can be used to motivate yourself but they should not be the primary reason for motivation. Their absence, or presence should cause no impact on your will power. That’s when you have stopped seeking validation. I might edit this article sometime in the far future to show my own progress. (Edit in July 2024: This journey is still on .. I have not used instagram for a month, reddit for more and pinterest and twitter etc for year ig … but now I am hooked to youtube 🤦‍♀️

• I feel like a little hero whenever at the start of my day, I make my bed. This activity is not what I was born with. Some people are natural-organisers (like Monica from F.R.I.E.N.D.S). Those who aren’t usually start their day with a phone in their hand and an awful ‘awful’ feeling right from the start of day. Start making your bed. You’ll feel so much better. Just give it a week on the insistence of a senseless wanderer, make your bed yourself before going anywhere in the morning. Seven consecutive days. You’ll know what to expect when you come back to your bed. There’s a clean table and a spotless bed waiting for me tonight. Don’t you want it too? (yours, not mine!) 

Those of you who already have a habit of making your own bed every morning, move on to the next stage. Remember, the focus here is to break your comfort zone, very gently (just making your bed!) and yet as prominently too (doing something new right at the start of day). You guys can try 

1. Getting out of your bed the moment you wake up
2. Making a healthy drink for yourself everyday (making it yourself)
3. Clocked time spent Exercising / Meditation / Yoga
4. Writing a journal entry right when you wake up
5. Taking a cold shower every 2^nd day (Or everyday depending upon the challenge level you want:)

And many others which you can choose yourself from the wide wild world of the Internet. Just make sure it’s challenging and doable at the same time. I am sure you’ll find the one, get to love and then stick to it.