0816
…I missed the train. It was a good excuse not to go home but then mom insisted and so, I think I’ve to go. Let’s go. Let’s just get this done with. I’m gonna go by local bus coz I am not waiting any more.
…Suba Hoti he and I wake up agonized in memories. Sham hoti he and … I am afraid to lie down because you know, memories creep into your brain instead of sleep. It’s bad na? It’s worse than the actual bad stuff. But then it’s like: am I giving up? No. So chillax Awais! Relax. Time never stops. This one will go away too, just like every other bad time. In Shaa Allah.
How are your days and nights going? What doubts do you still carry in your days? Or you don’t? It’s amazing .. that careless attitude some people can have … I was that, like 5 years ago. Then I fucking became “mature” haha. And don’t even know why I started having all these thoughts, and thoughts about thoughts. It was so simpler back then.
Anyways, the bykea person is here. I should go. It’s gonna be a 30 hours ordeal, starting now. I’m ready.
1007
It’s a local route bus but I’m feeling uncomfortable. I used to travel a lot like this before joining NUST. So now I wonder If I’ve been living in too deep a luxury. Or maybe it’s just the onset of … going home depression. I remember yesterday I wrote in the book, “the threshold of pain quite literally, is the threshold of my home”. I feel like crying. There are so many people.
…it’s 1416. And it’s been an hour or so that head in arms, I’m visualising my suicide. Hanging with the railing on S3h’s top floor. This way even if there is a problem with the noose, I’ll fall 3 floors and hopefully .. end it all. But there are so many people there too and idk if I will be able to get enough time to tighten one end around the railing. The fan is in my room is China Ka mal 🙂
You know all this time I am also questioning myself, why? Why do you want to die? So like … questioning my decision and making suicide plans at the same time. Idk what will happen? I’ll reach home in like 3 or 4 hours.
1426
I just remembered how that psychiatrist said I should write positive responses to negative thoughts too. Well. I guess I should. I’m gonna meet mom after 6 months. I know I’ll be happy for the first hour or two certainly. That’s happy. (That is if they don’t start body-shaming though). But yeah .. I’m looking forward to hugging mom after so long. Although she’ll probably never know I wrote this. And … I am going to try and meet Nana g in this short time. Probably before returning back tomorrow. That is another good reason. I’ll try to be happy.
And … I’m working on the website for diaryofasenselesswanderer. So I’m looking forward to coming back tomorrow and doing some more work. And skating too prolly. Yeah….more positive?…I don’t know .. Whatever. I tried.
1636
There are these 4 ‘nhren’ (IDK what they are called in English. Canal is a too small word for these) … I’m on the first one. Deep breaths. Here we go.
2246
Today was good. No fights whatsoever. I hope the same remains for tomorrow. Amen.
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