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So … I just gave myself some new gifts. On the right wrist and all five fingers of the right hand. It pained more because cutting with left hand, you are blunt. So the time required to cut so deep, to reach the veins down, it is more than normal. I did it because I was feeling unwanted, humiliated and embarrassed. Now I just feel sleepy.
I dropped water all over my bed earlier. This is a sign of clumsiness. I am behind schedule on many deadlines, a sign of laziness. I’m not praying, a sign of rudeness. So .. yeah all of this combined and I wanted to scream and cry but I got a new roommate. He is sleeping right now. Anyways, so I couldn’t scream and cry and so I gave myself some cuts. I’m gonna sleep after cleaning this mess.
I was trying to not let any of the so called “seniors” punish the freshie in my room in the name of ragging. Not like I am caring or whatever, but just that I didn’t want him to go through what I did when I used to get ragged here and in college. Here in NUST, jinko ghr me koi doosri dfa Khana ni poochta, they call themselves badmash. Making new students lift bottles with their assholes (literally, I’m an eyewitness) … Telling freshies to introduce themselves with a ‘tagline’ at the end of every sentence, like “Tel LGA k” or “mun me le k” and other such slurs. These ‘seniors’ then laugh and enjoy themselves. Graduates from one of the top 10% University of Pakistan.
Anyways, I didn’t want to let it happen to this new roomie. But my other roommate .. he tried to do. I stopped him easily and he also understood. But there was this other guy with him who said literally this to the freshie, literally these very words: “Kuch b bnna he in 4 salon me, bn jana, is k Jesa ni bnna” .. pointing at me. “Is k jese bndiyon k neeche ni lgna tu ne” … specifying myself as the target. I stayed quiet and kept smiling until they went out of the room.
Sure. Respecting women here is termed as “being a slave”. Okay. But this triggered me. I can stand up and say very beautiful slurs I learnt in a childhood spent in the streets of a pretty unethical rural Punjab, and I can slur out every human being anywhere irrespective of their gender or status. I can be rude. I just don’t want to be. Nice and slow, humble and low is what I find more satisfactory. Is this ‘neeche lg k zindgi guzarna’? I try to say ‘bhai’ or ‘sir’ or ‘brother’ etcetera to even boys. Is this ‘neeche lg k jeena’? Is this a way of life people should actually be warned not to follow. Am I like … so bad as to make an example of what NOT to be? I wanted to cry because it hurt a lot. And then I couldn’t stop. And I cutted.
Gonna sleep now. I’m feeling so tired and still resisting the urge to not do more bad. I am sorry Tess, if I’ve become that sort of a person that no one should ever be. I’m sorry for spreading so much negativity in world. Nice to just keep your distance. Bye
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