Can we shut up about “trying to help” stuff? No you don’t. No you don’t. No you don’t. I need someone to listen and someone to appreciate how I am going through. I was dumped and yet you know what I did? I reacted by starting a small business. I replied by brainstorming an idea about an Exchange app in Nust. She took my bicycle. She says she paid for it too. Ok. Even though you gave 3000 out of 12000, I led you to believe that you have paid half.
And am I lamenting over a cycle? Oh is this too inferior a thought for you to think that someone can die because of it? Oh then go ride your BMW prince(ss). I only know how to write MY truth. And this is a time of emotions where logic isn’t really dictating my fingertips … so go to helll!
And I cry. Everyday. In the morning when I wake up. And you know what else I do? I pray. 5 times a day. I recite Quran too. I’m a loser? Yes. Did I try to get out of the pit? Yes. A million times yes. So when I kill myself, shut the fuck up. Don’t go saying how I was weak and I didn’t try or I didn’t try hard enough. Don’t blame me or my parents or anyone else for that matter. Everyone is innocent and everyone is to be blamed. The fucking jokes killed me. The silent smiles to each other over something I tried to do killed me. People knew I don’t talk much because I don’t have friends and yet we decided to not start any convo. We decided to stay away. We decide to ignore. We decided to label him a weirdo so we can justify our insensitiveness. Well, yes I am a weirdo. I am. But I wasn’t born one. The world, their mocking smiles and stupid stares. Me Allah ko sb btaunga beta. Tum sb selfish ho. Tum sb khud ka sochte ho or pretend krte ho k you care about others in your convos. You don’t. You liers.
I’m sitting in the NLE lab crying. There’s one other student here beside me. We have never talked since the start of this degree. And well, I won’t complain about her to Allah because she or the people like her did not mock or pass stupid smiles. Although aek dfa Kashif ne sb boys k sath mil k mock kya tha that how I (was the CR) couldn’t reply to what this person said because I didn’t understand her foreign accent, back in lab 1 pre-pandemic, that’s it. I knew what she was asking, I just did not know the fucking answer but hy, hs hi lo bc.
And till the day I die, I will smile. I’ll keep smiling till I can.
I know I’m gonna kill myself to be honest (this is an emotional statement I know, might not be true). I don’t want to because there are so many things I can live for. But I have to because those things aren’t mine. I’m doubtful if they ever will be.
Unkept promises kill. Mockery and jokes kill. Please stop doing it to people.
Today campus breathes again. You know I wanted to go with you. I hoped you’ll say hy, let’s go to this first and last concern of our lives together, together. But you didn’t. You are probably out there enjoying with your wider circle. Not giving a thought to me. I hate you yes I do. I will never tell this to anyone but I hate you so much at this moment. I hate you so much that I can’t write it enough. To hell with you and your plans. You broke your promises. How can someone just … quit!
I love myself for trying my best in whatever I try. I give love perfectly. I radiate positivity intentionally in the hopes that someone out there will benefit from it. Me Allah ki zmeen me fsaad ni phelata. Me lrai ni krta or agr ho jae, to maafi mang leta hun. I am courageous enough to follow my passion. And that is enough.
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