Today for a small time, I was feeling suicidal. Some triggers happening simulatenously forced me into a corner, and as a defense mechanism, I started to think of ways to … just quit!
I’m alright now. But I’m wondering now that what if all the complexities of a suicide are removed, the physical pain or the guiltiness and the “its-a-sin” debate, and there is just this red button on my table here which if I just have to press, and I would cease to exist, would I do it? This is what I was wondering. Now, today, I know my strengths and my weaknesses, my life and it’s attached responsibilities. Would I quit it all if triggered? Maybe yes but .. mostly no. I won’t. I don’t think I would, in all the emotional surge ever, would put a full stop to my life. It keeps changing. It keeps giving me stuff which I like and taking away problems before I even encounter them. It ofcourse has a downside to it .. having to live through all of it. But .. I would like now to live this story. I’m a character of this story and … I would like to live and see what happens till the last chapter. I want to live till the last chapter. I don’t know if this particular text is positive or negative, but…who cares. I should stop trying to categorise every single little detail of my life. I might press the button making me “emotionless” but certainly not to die right out. Strange lol…such a strange topic yet such a clear vision. Surprising. Red button.
2203
I was gonna do basketball as usual but well … ended up reviving a long lost skill, skating. Fell two times but apart from that, I am back in a position from today’s practice to skate on NUST roads. All I need more is just a truckload of confidence from somewhere. I have attached the video for myself, so I don’t lose it the next time I breakup and format my phone (:
That’s all for today. Now I’m gonna go back to room! Have a nice day and .. pray a little too post-Eid-milad-un-nabi. Bbye
Leave a Reply