0726
…I just resigned/left all the societies and internship groups I was in. Because with not doing any work, why should I waste their time and give trouble?
Usually, when I post anything anywhere online, I always have some question in my mind: how will this impact anyone who sees it? How will this contribute to me after I die? What are the effects of this on me, from now till tomorrow? Etc etc
But this next piece of writing … I really wanted to get it out.
Dear Tess, I know I’m having bad days consistently….like do you know the first thing I did just in the morning today? I quit all my internships and societies. Resigned, left, quit. And, I know I’ve been in an immense state of a continual struggle this past month and a half. It will continue tonight and tomorrow and a month or two more too. I’m aware of that fact.
But with an uncontrollable smile, I write this, that this very pain is my own creation. For the last two days, I’ve been listening to nothing but bad breakup songs. “Mitti da khadona” by Bilal Saeed, is my new favourite 😄 as I intentionally let myself feel more and more alone and in pain. I let myself be cut and burned. When I can’t sleep at night, I know I can watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S and relax. Or I can do a million other things and start smiling again. But I don’t, intentionally.
Because the pain which I cause is the pain in my control. I very much know that I can bounce back anytime. Do you know Tess, that even today, every day, your writer makes his bed before leaving the room in the morning? Because that’s what he decided to do the day he broke up. I’ll not go anywhere without making up my bed, so I still do. Everyday. And it’s easy, right? Ask some other lazy, depressed and dumped procrastinator how difficult it is for them to make their bed in the morning, and they’ll tell how for days they haven’t even bothered. I was that shmuck. Now I do some activities daily which I never bothered to do isse phle.
I guess I’m saying this all more to myself than to you Tess. There’s still fight left. And I’m soon gonna be all right. A month? 2 more? Hell 6 more painful months? I was beaten on my Birthday last year, I can take some self-beating this Bday too. But then what? … Then I’ll be a non-toxic, giver again. All this time the pain I’m getting out of my system is making my own personality get back in. So with breakfast in front, I am happy and contented. I will smile and eat and listen to as much more pain as I can, feel as much bad as I can until there’ll be no more humiliations. Until the only way is up.
Indeed, after hardships is peace. Mine is just around the corner. Bbye Tess
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