I started this diary back in the day when I started it, with a novel vision. It was not to record what happens during the day. It was not to inspire anyone or to somehow dump thoughts on a piece of paper (it used to be a piece of paper back in 2019) to make some space in the brain for more thoughts. It simply was to let anyone who stumbles on this diary learn from the mistakes I have made. I had read Mark Manson’s famous “How to not give a fuck” around that time and I was really impressed by the story he explains in the earlier chapters. He tells us about a guy who did not take it upon himself to do any effort whatsoever to be at any certain societal place. He wasn’t “productive” or “efficient” per the rules of the world. The author recounts the story of a man who chose not to participate in the rat race of the society he lived in and, forget me if I am wrong because its been around 7 or more years since I read that book, I guess the guy in the story makes it to a good position at the later stages of his life. The diary was meant to be an upgraded version of that man, a man, a me, who still won’t do any effort, who still won’t put any foot down towards his betterment, elevated to a stage where he writes the stuff he does, so others can choose to learn a lesson from his mistakes, if they want to. Its a very confusing, almost senseless, certainly immoral description. But such are the teen and pre-adult ages, confusing, senseless and deprived of considerations of morality.
I’ve since changed. My vision has increased to take into scope activities that society predicts will happen in the next decade or so. I’ve grown hard around the edges and soft in the core. I’ve gained resentment of many, and respect of a few. I’ve fallen, and gotten back up, cried and laughed, screamed and sobbed, and forgot all of it. I’ve hardened. Experience has belittled what little courage, pride or granduer I had, and now in the place of an Awais who was yesterday feelingful, you’ll find an Awais who’s feelingless. A more careful, less daring, less risky, more observant person. And I hate it. I absolutely abhor what I have become. But I can’t change it. The guy in the story did nothing whatsoever to change himself. He let himself be carried with the winds of life, let the luck guide him, etc. etc.
And so I seemingly do. I don’t put in much effort anywhere unless absolutely necessary, like my work. Work takes up quite a big pile of the daily energy I have and I don’t look for alternative means to earn because hey, that takes effort. And I imagine some people’s reaction would be “to hell with him, he’s choosing his path”. I so am. I know. And I understand it. I am okay with it. Okay with working at nights, sleeping during the day, not having any friends, okay with paying the bills, calculating the fees, listening to gossip, eating what little junk food I can afford and okay with wasting what little time I have left, everyday.
It is upon the historians of tomorrow to judge the efforts of the middleclass of a third world nation of today. I won’t go in there to get a clean chit, nor am I interested in any such catharsis.
And there’s no happy ending. Bbye.