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1016 Hy good people … How are you all? Today I … consiously … turned my Fajr Alarm off and went to sleep and I feel guilty now. Last night I couldn’t sleep well so…I couldn’t muster the courage to wake up. I hope I am forgiven for that .. And by the time I…

0654 How are you all…I hope good. Was this weekend’s start welcoming for you? It certainly was for me… So I woke up at 0540, prayed and recited Surah Yaseen (which I had memorized previously but now, it’s just bits and pieces. I’ll soon memorize it again In Shaa Allah). And then I just lay…

2026 You know what I just realized … that people will actually make excuses for your bad behaviour, for you to be good, and they’ll be completely okay with it, they’ll deal with it and handle you, they’ll call on you and see to you, when they love you. They do. They actually do. Such…

1827 I’m sitting on top floor of NUST library looking outside at the “Campus Breaths Again”, event conducted by NUST administration. A success. Then there was heavy rain. I came while it was pouring. The pools of water on protocol avenue made me nostalgic. I was lost in the sands of dead times. Now however…

2156 Well….I skated again today, wearing a friend’s shoes! 0125It’s night. Like .. it’s pretty deep, dark and cold outside and I’m wide wide awake. Why is that Urdu proverb: “Ghore bech k Sona”, (گھوڑے بیچ کے سونا) .. represents someone in “deep sleep”? I mean look, if I had some horses previously, and I…

1649 S3h (School of social sciences and humanities, in NUST University, Islamabad) is a lively place isn’t it. There are so many people, so many ‘vibes’. Each look you get, no matter how minute, means something (and that meaning can actually also be: nothing, but nothing is something too). There’s charisma, there’s energy, there’s colors…

Today for a small time, I was feeling suicidal. Some triggers happening simulatenously forced me into a corner, and as a defense mechanism, I started to think of ways to … just quit! I’m alright now. But I’m wondering now that what if all the complexities of a suicide are removed, the physical pain or…

I am grateful because I just skated from Zakriya Parking to HBL road to Gate 2 then C1 from the long road, then from the back of Fatima hostel upto gym besides S3h, turn at S3h sheds to the back of NBS, then did some 8s in basketball court and then back all the way…

Logon ka thukraya hua koi bnda agr Allah k pas jae to kya Allah use qbool krte hen? We can’t know it because to meet Allah, to get to know the answer for sure, one has to die but if I extrapolate from what I know of him from the Holy Book and all ……

Hy Tess! Its 714pm. I am working. I have been working since 310pm, bar a visit outside to get dinner, but the shops were closed due to Eid. So I came back but I am a bit hungry now. And otherwise well, you know how it is. How many times should/can a man repeat the…

Well its 917pm Its weird I will be honest with you Tess. Since the start of Eid, I am “holding up”. Strange. Its like … one of my roommate back in NUST would do this thing to assume what your “best” or “ideal” version would do in a situation and just do that in the…

Well, today is Eid. Its 618am. 20 mins to Eid prayers. I did not sleep yet, I do declare! I have been practicing an app I want to learn. And watching the office. And I feel okay to be honest. Ofcourse there’s the regret of being alone on Eid but its countered by something I…

Tomorrow’s Eid-ul-Fitr. Or choti Eid, as it is commonly known on the Street around these parts. I went to NUST after like a month today and there was no one there. It was just like in COVID, except for a slight change. I roamed across the Scholar’s Avenue, over to the newly made United Nations…

Can we shut up about “trying to help” stuff? No you don’t. No you don’t. No you don’t. I need someone to listen and someone to appreciate how I am going through. I was dumped and yet you know what I did? I reacted by starting a small business. I replied by brainstorming an idea…

Well, I am on a trip in a village near Lahore. Right now, I’m inside a sleeping bag placed in a field, where just a month or two ago, there was full grown wheat. I’m gonna fall asleep in a wheat field right after I write this. It’s 08am. It was a momentary decision and…

Promise me one thing. You’ll never hurt people who hurt you. You’ll never laugh in the face of people who laughed in your face. You’ll never complain about those who complained about you. You’ll forgive and forget. You will be a super human. You’ll be greater than the matters of this world. You’ll not look…

Well … This is it for today. I finally skated from retro to sns (extreme downhill and exhaustive uphill), and rotated all the way back to Hajveri. I went C2 to buy a bottle of vitamin water (I just like the taste of it) and olpers and then skated all the way back and UP…

2100 I’m sitting in skates Infront of SCME. Like right Infront of it, on the roundabout pavement, facing the school. The ground right beside the school, laying astray under a moonless sky, was lit with huge floodlights in the orientation of 2k19. There was a concert here. My life’s first and last concert, for I…

1221 I just accidentally met a person whom I knew prior to this, only on Instagram. It was .. awkward plus happy. I met him in the canteen as I was buying lunch. After intial greetings, he said, “hy, I’ll be in CR (classroom) 5. I said ok…and then I bought lunch and went over…

2138 Today was emotional. One of those days when your emotions are riding right underneath the surface and you can barely conceal them. This was one of those days. I felt elated in the morning, then had a nervous breakdown in the evening and cried behind the under construction CSD canteen. Then went back to…

0955 I’m playing … since I woke up. Do you know I didn’t even go to breakfast? I mean … Steam had a Halloween sale going on and … I bought 2 of my wishlist games yesterday. Can’t stop people, can’t stop now. Yesterday I slept around 12am, (which is technically today morning). Woke up…

I went to itwaar bazar today. First time ever alone in there and what I found out today is yet another talent hiding all this time 🤠😄 … “Locating the best piece of whatever stuff you need from the whole flea market” 💁‍♂️ .. I remembered all the store numbers and directions and exact places…

0828 After a long time today, I actually wanted to shower in the morning 🤦‍♂️😅 … just to feel good. So .. wasted some sizzling water while … having shower thoughts? Anyways, I just came back. I think I’m gonna take a haircut today. Whenever these strands on my head grow to a point where,…

1745 Today again .. I found myself thinking why am I posting stuff on Instagram? Now Alhamdulillah, I am completely over Instagram’s addiction. On an average day, I open it like, twice. Once when I post at or around 10pm. Second in any part of day when I open it, for a total of 20…

0247I had this weird conversation with myself. Read along if you wanna. I: you are very strong, do you know that?It: I need to be strong, look at yourself. Cutting skin and burning your cuts to prove what?I: Shut up (lightly)It: And now deying your hair .. and ASH!!!I: I like it!It: You are running…

1057 So I just came back from Hostel-C2-CSD via Protocol Avenue-C2-Hostel, road blading at 10am noon. And I have decided to color my hairs light ash. Went to CSD to check the shades. Light Ash #55 is what I’m going for. It’s a coping mechanism. It’s unhealthy. But it is better than cutting and burning…

2007 Well, today’s paper went well. More good than I was expecting, because I hadn’t studied much. Anyways .. yeah, it went good. Now day after tomorrow is my English literature paper. Some poems and he’s gonna ask all these weird grammatical stuff I guess, of which I have no idea. It’s so weird isn’t…

2115 Well .. today tess, infact right now, I was just going to try some buckets in the s3h basketball court, on skates. But .. the people I was gonna ask are a couple of lovebirds. Can’t disturb them. Excuse me, can I be a bone please? Whatever. Muj se ni Hoga. Anyways, today was…

162610 I got that much needed haircut 😂 … A lil surge in confidence, and 300 RS later, I am hairless, again. Anyways .. I plan to skate outside nust today upto McDonald. Let’s see if that work outs. And yeah, I completed that long-pending Radio Production assignment today too. That’s another lil surge of…

165129So right now, I’m wearing skates Infront of Main office, and behind me is the circular lawn. Can you believe it? Just when i think there’s nothing new to do, something new happens! Today I went in a teacher’s office on skates in s3h, and returned just now. I have started using footpaths and stairs…

So yeah … I am sitting in class. English literature. For tonight you know I’m slightly worried because like, they’re streaming match in s3h. And … I kinda want to come but like, I can’t come ‘) … Skating I did after fajar today and I couldn’t go outside too which I was planning to…

2046 Guess who’s on firrrrrrrree todaiii? MY LEGS ARE WAATTTAHHH (read water as wataah, British accent) I skated blahblahblah….leave it. (highlight: went to c3 today) … But like, I am spinning and dancing and like, being fluid on these knees like magicccc…..it’s amazing yar. Just awesome. I don’t know where this confidence came from but,…

Well, it’s … as amazing as it can get? I mean I skated all the way from my room to Nust Medical Center, got checked by a doctor, meds and all and now returned all the way to my room .. skatinggggg. Haha me is unstoppable (quite literally) 😂 …. I’m countering my shyness and…

0811 I don’t want to go to school today. And it’s super-rare coz I’ve never had the urge to ‘bunk’ classes. There’s no obvious reason. I am just not feeling ready for 2 lectures and the general humdrum of School. 1825 Well I did go to the school. There were two classes and both were…

0025 So … I just gave myself some new gifts. On the right wrist and all five fingers of the right hand. It pained more because cutting with left hand, you are blunt. So the time required to cut so deep, to reach the veins down, it is more than normal. I did it because…

1908 What should I say? “Done with the hype of being MOC”? But that’s a sentence I have already used once. Anyways .. I MOCed today’s Nust Cricket Championship final today. Ghnte Ka Kam tha, or ‘ghanta’ Kam ni tha IYKWIM. It was easy. I had to improvise and there was a good help too,…

1101pmWell, today was not very productive. I worked only 2 to 3 hours, but its a Saturday. And I am slowly accepting the fact that I will just have to move on with this thought, the background thought, that still in my head, all the time. That’s just how it is. On the plus side,…

Well, its 302pm. I don’t think the time restriction did much good on yesterday’s post so … I am going to write the time again. Atleast on the website, it is easy and makes sense. On Instagram, it … did not make much sense but I have deleted the social media apps so … I…

Hy! I guess adding the time of when I write the diary is a bit too much information so I am going to stop that from now. This could be temporary too, as is every good thing in my fucking life. You can perhaps guess Tess, from the mood, that I am agitated a bit.…

I was roaming on Discord servers today when I found someone writing this in one of the support group’s vent space. And man does it hit home! (Copied from someone idk): If someone ever told me in 2021 or 2022, that I’d be posting somewhere how much I fucking miss you, without actually being able…

It’s not like I won’t get sad again, infact I feel kinda sad right now hehe. I don’t want to go back. This was good. This was .. skoon. I was feeling as if amongst my people, although I met these people just 2 days ago or less. I don’t want to grow (teary smile)…

1942…skipped today’s class. Which in detail means, bunked to stay curled in a ball of nothingness on the corner of my bed sobbing like a child. Oh god I am stupid 🤦‍♂️😄 And then went skating. Did all the ramps available. And grinded and recorded one particularly large ramp 6 times in 4mins 34 secs,…

1544Is it crazy or what? I am so happy right now and the reason is really weird. I got an appointment with a psychotherapist at a hospital, Islamabad. Yeah, literally that’s all the reason. And I’m smiling like mad lol. Finally I’ll be able to see behind these thoughts in my head and hopefully figure…

1736Today was busy. More like … life-changing busy but I won’t raise any expectations 😃 Enough to say is that I think .. I THINK (Phoebe-style) .. I am discovering myself again. New thoughts and new … goals. Change is what I feel, and it’s positive, that’s what I know. Although still it’s not like…

1500I just came back from a meeting here in S3h, with our Industrial Linkage Officer. I had two new ideas to discuss, and the conclusion he gave was, “I’m not discouraging you Awais, but your ideas are too good for this nation”. Well, #1 I don’t want to believe him. #2, Are they? Can’t we…

0816…I missed the train. It was a good excuse not to go home but then mom insisted and so, I think I’ve to go. Let’s go. Let’s just get this done with. I’m gonna go by local bus coz I am not waiting any more. …Suba Hoti he and I wake up agonized in memories.…

I’m gonna post this tomorrow or the day after. But as I write it today, I’m feeling a mixture of emotions buried in me. Tonight will be restless. Tomorrow, I’m having a stall in Nust. Idk if it goes good, but I’m sure I will profit from it. Here’s the thing: it’s always down to…

“Customer is always right” is a capitalist lie. If the customer is an asshole, (s)he should’ve treated as such. The minute you “disrespect” a minimum wage worker, even on their actual mistake, you lose your ground and you deserve every inch of hate you receive.

I’m enroute to Peshawar on my first ever Faisal movers bus. Once there, I’ve got to cover a differently-abled PMS officer’s special education story … more like the absence of special education. Anyways..yeah this is it. I have been meaning to resume writing diary for a long time now but due to different reasons at…