Awais, but online.

Money

  • 04.03.22

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    First time eating in Ramadan. In contrast to my skinny built, I’ve always found the strength to keep all fasts, every Ramadan, starting from when I was in grade 2. Now, I am eating inside Railway Restaurant. There are people around me eating so .. it’s not that awkward as I thought it would be.…

  • Letter to a Good Riddance

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    11 March 2022 So … Hy. I can see the moon from here. I used to say that you were my moon huh. Looks like I was wrong. Now you are someone else’s moon. Or .. are you? If my moon is the only one dark thing which is illuminated by a borrowed light for…

  • 05.13.22

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    Whenever I resume the diary of a senseless wanderer again, I’ll add this there. Life is layed out in front of me. And it is gentle and hard at the same time. I’m not soft enough to admit every little lie that is told in the name of “spreading positivity” and “promoting a strengthened mind”,…

  • 04.13.22

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    I hate the idea of waiting. Especially if it is for an interview or suchlike. If I have to meet someone who has some struggle in his life, and is thus a good person to have an interaction with, they won’t keep me waiting. I hate the idea of having to work for people who…

  • Sometime in Spring 2022 (12)

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    Hyyyyyyyyyyy This was a busy week…I guess zero YouTube video. I’ll record one this weekend. Anyways. I’m just gonna say it because … I say everything! Now, I feel like getting mature (I know that sounds … not good but just hear me out). Today I set a single goal: Ma

  • Sometime in Spring 2022 (11)

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    Hy Tess. Today was kinda normal … when I was expecting it to go worse … So actually good huh. I had a paper today. Statistics. 2 of 15 mcqs I knew. Baqi SB tukka. I was originally expecting k kuch questions ate hi ni honge but .. did everything in paper. Ab Dekho kya…

  • Sometime in Spring 2022 (10)

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    Fuck it. Here goes. I miss the memories I had with my ex. There. I WAS SO AFRAID TO ADMIT IT ☠️😂 …ajeeb. I miss the moments we made together at heaven’s edge. NMC and other places in Nust. And particularly in C1 huts .. I was getting stupid candles and stuff, bought with my…

  • Sometime in Spring 2022 (9)

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    تو قادر و عادل ہے مگر تیرے جہاں میںہیں تلخ بہت بندہ مزدور کے اوقات Hy Tess…. Today was .. good. 7/10. I woke up at 730. Bathed. Put on clean clothes, had breakfast and went on job. I saw pretty interesting sights today while enroute. From where I have started going now, on one…

  • Sometime in Spring 2022 (8)

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    Hy Tess. What’s up .. nothing much? You are pages. What do you do all day? Wait? I hope you do that 😂 Anyways .. here’s me. Today was kinda good. Good in a sense that it was mostly productive. Majorly productive till 9pm from 8am today. So … good. I woke up at 730.…

  • Sometime in Spring 2022 (7)

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    Before I write that Tess, I want to tell you something. Somethings. Fuck it. Here goes. I went to Peshawar today. At faisal movers terminal, I met a kid. 14 years of age, studies in Sir Syed School, class 7/8. Dad dead. Mom disabled. He has a big sister who teaches Quran to children. He…

  • Sometime in Spring 2022 (6)

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    Hy. How are you? I want to tell you something. Well it’s not like I should … maybe this is a mistake but maybe this is not. I just want the voice in my head to stop so I’m gonna write it down. Probably I’ll not post this. With B, it is that she’s too…

  • Sometime in Spring 2022 (5)

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    Hy Tess … How are you Today .. was good. Right now is very good. It rained and I’m laying in grass looking up at the sky. There’s a star. And down below, there’s a line of trees surrounding me on one side. Today was 7/10. Even though I still have stuff to do when…

  • Sometime in Spring 2022 (4)

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    I had thought of only writing in you every night. But .. I want to destress right now. So here it is Tess. Work from home is a bitch. Communication, especially with people who actually think, is difficult. I’m working with a guy who .. is kinda strict. He is my senior. And he was…

  • Sometime in Spring 2022 (3)

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    Hyyyyy … how are you? Long time no see .. how is you … It’s really been a long time hena! Like .. months. 4 or 5 of them. I was too busy. Apologies Ted. Anyways now that I’m here .. I’ll try to write in you again, as I used to do years ago.…

  • Sometime in Spring 2022 (2)

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    An Instagram story from @baigandbaigum triggered this .. trail of thoughts. I decided to write an entry for Diary of a senseless wanderer. This week was kinda stressing. But at the end, because I know I did enough productive work, peace is on me. Also because I have a distinct and clear list of stuff…

  • 03.25.25

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    Aashqi sbr tlb, or tmnna betabDil ka kya rng krun, khoon-e-jigr hone tk! Matric k Urdu Nisab me jin ghzlon ko prh prh k hste the, aj vohi rula rhi hen bc. Wtf. Hmne mana k taghaful na kroge, lekin; khak ho jaenge hm tumko khbr hone tk 🐳 Kher, bkchodi k ilava scene theek…

  • Happiness

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    Sometime in Fall 2021

  • Use

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    Sometime in Fall 2020 I’m sitting on a bus taking us (Edit: this was written when I was involved in an unsuccessful relationship, therefore: us) to go get our vaccination certificates. A girl by my side gave me a pen to write my CNIC and number on this medical receipt. I have had written it…

  • Sit Straight

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    Fall 2021 You know what? Don’t say to someone that they should sit straight or look forward or swing their arms more. I am in this deep dark abyss right now because someone used to insist that I should ‘sit straight’. I hate myself for this because my back is like 2 feet and I…

  • Someplace Serene

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    Fall 2021 Everyone needs to have basic rights. A need to feel safe and a need to feel free. A need to be wanted. A need to belong. A need to connect with people lifelong. A need to find meaning. A need to find love and feel love. A need to be respected when spoken…

  • Stupid Opinion about PK Suffrages

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    Sometime in Fall 2021 Once when I was coming back to NUST, just a couple of metres outside gate 1, I saw a girl, 16 or 17 years of age, on a donkey cart. She was with her little 3/4-year-old sister… Looking lost, perhaps thinking of where her next meal would come from, her clothes…

  • Sometime in Spring 2022 (1)

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    University internet was down recently. And I realized how much we are dependent on internet. All lectures for my studies are on MS Teams. I have to tweak my budget and YNAB is an online platform. I have to text some people and WhatsApp needs internet. It’s 1054am. Some guy had an online meet planned…

  • Third Week of 2022

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    Songs of the week:Cradles by SuburbanCounting Stars by Simply Three Books of the week1. Negotiations: A reader for writers – Judith Summerfield2. Gilgit Baltistan Ka Urdu Adab – Halqa Arbab-e-Zoq3. Musadiss-e-Hali – Khawaja Altaf Hussein Hali If this is just not another entry in the diary of a senseless wanderer! What a journey it has…

  • Sit Straight, Awais.

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    Sometime in Spring 2022 At three in the night as everyone sleeps tightI twist and turn, with rising concern Why can’t I sleep? Where’s the peace I found?Was time not supposed to heal my wound?Was progress not supposed to provide me the happinessPreviously in you that was found How is it that after working till…

  • Morning, Voices

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    22 February 2022 I wanted to write something bad, so I wrote this. Now I’ll never let you go amiss. I found you causing me a lot of pain and I found you believing people’s mind games. I found you and I made you give up the humanistic urge to wealth, to fame or to…

  • Scrap

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    March 24 2025: The following is from Fall 2021 and Spring 2022. Its a collection of notes from Google Keep being transported here today. Nights pass and days go byI stumble, suffer, scream & cryBad dreams, Sad dreamsTell the stories I wish were dry Totally fine, wholly goodAnd then suddenly off the hookI try so…

  • Self Catharsis

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    It’s okay to be self-aware. It’s good to be responsible and to feel responsible. And questioning your actions before you do, and words before you utter is the right thing to do. Indeed it is. But slow. Slow down a clock because these are dangerous things to think about. We are all evil in someone’s…

  • 03.23.25

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    2109Delirious. Delulu. Never gonna happen. Daydreams. What else can one name the soft murmur of simple, very simple, far too simple wishes of a human. Its a complex world. Intricate. Sophisticated. Linked. One choice is not independent of the reaction from previous decisions. Its delulu but more complicated. And that’s utter non-sense. 2214I have been…

  • 30K for 30 days

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    Sometime in Fall 2021 I am struggling with my schedule. A friend said today, “It’s alright to sleep till 7am when you’re doing a 9-5 Awais”. And .. really? 8 hours per day + 2 hours commuting to/fro job = 10 hours of day10/day x 30 days / month = 30 PKR300 hours of work…

  • بہ نام وطن – مصطفیٰ زیدی

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    07.30.22 کون ہے جو آج طلبگار ِ نیاز و تکریموہی ہر عہد کا جبروت وہی کل کے لئیموہی عیّار گھرانے وہی ، فرزانہ حکیموہی تم ، لائق صد تذکرہء و صد تقویمتم وہی دُشمن ِ احیائے صدا ہو کہ نہیںپسِ زنداں یہ تمہی جلوہ نما ہو کہ نہیں​ تم نے ہر عہد میں نسلوں سے…

  • 08.11.22

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    I don’t know if I will share it or not. Most probably will at some later date. I feel unhealthy mentally. Exhausted. And I don’t know why. I wish I didn’t exist. The epidemic of existential crisis in the teens of today, I thought I had solved out my identity. Maybe I have and this…

  • 09.02.22

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    How long it’s been .. a month? More I guess. Diary of a senseless wanderer. When I thought of this name, it wasn’t in my mind a bit how …sticky, it would be. Or perhaps I chose to create my future by choosing to be .. a senseless wanderer. Lol. Anyways, today is going to…

  • 09.19.22

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    This week was mixed. I had already shifted to Attar but the whole week, I was approached one way or the other by Kashif to change room. Eventually I did. Anyways .. it was good as in I fell down pretty hardly, various times. And I stood up, again. In this week, I also saw…

  • 10.08.22

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    Hy. Morning! It’s quite sometime after I am waking up in the morning again, to the birds in blues that fly around only at this time. It’s a beautiful scene. I’d deleted all social media except YouTube months ago. Now, I downloaded Instagram for some fun, yesterday, and decided to as well create another entry…

  • Sometime in Fall 2022

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    Hy .. it’s been a long time since we met. Probably not much but .. pretty much more than normal. Certainly not regular as we once used to be! Here I am. Confiding in your swiftly lest I lose a passing thought like a gist of wind.I’ve been .. moving. How are you? Well, you…

  • Sometime in Fall 2021 (11)

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    1824 I’m going home for 24 hours tomorrow. And haha… I’m having a panic attack rn. My mind seems to have a mind of its own. I won’t write the details because then everyone thinks oh it’s attention-seeking. So yeah … it’s not. Bbye I feel so unworthy of everything I got. Worthless. My life…

  • Sometime in Fall 2021 (10)

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    1623 So yeah … Last night I was stupid enough to like order a pizza for myself even though I have had dinner. Now 18 hours later, it’s still half left. I tried to share it with people passing by my room but … just one person took a slice. I had it ovened and…

  • Sometime in Fall 2021 (9)

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    2117 … nothing special. An ice-cream, a moonless night, a pair of inline skates and heavenly songs on headphones wrapping my head. What more can one need huh! (One can need another one to force-teach skating and share this all with but, I should not say it. After all telling deep desires open your weaknesses…

  • Sometime in Fall 2021 (8)

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    1250 Today I had no class. So … obviously I was feeling the need to “do something” and “just fuckin do something awais” in my head. I racked my mind but couldn’t bring myself to do anything. So I just kept laying there in bed till 12pm. Then something sprung me out of it ……

  • Sometime in Fall 2021 (7)

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    2209 Today was good. In the evening it became best. I went to class early today. But then also left early because nothing was happening except a lot of noise. I should have preserved a little to stay there but .. couldn’t. Went back to room. And that is where the good things happened. I…

  • Sometime in Fall 2021 (6)

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    2134Well, today was good. Kinda. Because I was mostly busy and thus, had no time for fzool thoughts. But what I just saw like 10 minutes ago is making my blood boil (angry emoji but I hate the red man). I should shut up. It’s natural. The reaction is natural and it’s all right. Shhh…

  • Sometime in Fall 2021 (5)

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    0726…I just resigned/left all the societies and internship groups I was in. Because with not doing any work, why should I waste their time and give trouble? Usually, when I post anything anywhere online, I always have some question in my mind: how will this impact anyone who sees it? How will this contribute to…

  • Sometime in Fall 2021 (4)

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    2132I made this group on WhatsApp for me. Added both my numbers. From one I pretend to be my friend. From 2nd, I reply being Awais. That’s all. Also did the Radio Production assignment but haven’t prepped tomorrow’s paper ab tk. I know It’s my fault, please don’t judge too harshly. I mean yeh it’s…

  • Sometime in Fall 2021 (3)

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    1908 Well … Thanks man. I really appreciate that. I was in my bed today till 4pm. Then a guy here in hostel texted, told me to get out, “let’s go somewhere to eat.” I was like sure. I just came back. It feels really good. This … Rant-with-someone in physical was a session long…

  • Sometime in Fall 2021 (2)

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    0820I’m using sleep as a coping mechanism. It’s been three days now, I am taking nap at noon even when I can’t sleep. Just Chuck myself into the bed. Ajeeb Other than that, I’m feeling awesome. Like .. studying properly, getting over people and their mean comments about the breakup, without any psycatrists help, talking…

  • Sometime in Fall 2021 (1)

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    2051 I have my last written paper on 22. And that is most difficult one. Theories of mass communication. That teacher has one very weird habit. I mean not in a disrespectful way, just .. fun if you may. He calls us all, 40+ individual people in his class, ‘bacha’. And I’m ALWAYS like sir…

  • Around 09.30.21

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    0925 Sitting in the kybo chairs, I feel so so happy rn. Like just now, there was a daily wage laborer here whom I just nodded to, while on my way for a project to library. He kinda pointed at the ears and I was like oh, you want to ask something about the headphones.…

  • Around 03.01.22

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    I’m at a better place now than I was a month ago, so I guess this is working. By “this”, I mean a mindful struggle to be consistently better. Anyways, here are the lessons for this month: 1. Create a balance in everyday tasks.2. Clarify; at the moment.3. Don’t preempt your behaviour During this month…

  • Around 01.18.23

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    Hy Tess, what’s up. How’s life treating you. It’s been a month or two I guess, since the last entry in the diary of a senseless wanderer. I guess it’s never actually going to stop being written, Tess. Anyways, let’s see what we got for today. Things have changed. They always do. Today I feel…

  • 02.22.23

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    Today was okayish. I had a minor fight with Huda (fake name obv) but I also had two informal meetings. Other than that, I created another Fiverr gig (4th now) and attended Michael Kugleman’s Talk at Lincoln corner, along with both classes. I’m feeling good. If I keep learning about humans the way I do…